working hard to be bruised
well, our cheeze friend is on vacation and i've been given the blog reins...a lot of stuff i write late at night then read it a day or two later & disagree with most of it...here's an example:
i usually don't like church & usually when i'm there i work with youth so i don't expect to get much out of it...in fact, the most impacting times i've spent in church have not come from the challenge of a screaming preacher, but instead from small things that signify the spaces where divinity intersects with my real life.
and then about every 6 months or so, there comes the rejuvenation - when i stop and try to devise another method on how become a more devoted christian...and this new idea's a pretty good one!! i'm certainly not a trained theologian & my 1 year as a student of the bible department of huntington college isn't worth a dime (it did however cost me several thousand dimes...several). this is simply more of my diary philosophy on how to survive life. it's nothing revolutionary, but here's my recent approach on how to cope with being on earth...
last night the large african-american man who was challenging the youth group made a small comment about how we often desperately seek god because we want to be rescued from whatever's getting us down. his quick point was that we should seek god "the rest of the way" instead of carrying along on our own after we get what we want from god. i'm as guilty as anybody...my knees only get sore after the rest of me has been sore for some time. then everything's fine and smooth until about 6 months later when i realize that i've forgotten my previous plan to love god more & i'm then forced to develop a new concept of what it means for me to love god.
i'm not even sure how to tell if i truly love god. sure, i "think" i do. one pastor friend says my time spent in missions and in guiding others proves my love for god; however, i think that simply proves god's love for others through me. either way, point is this...i'm not convinced & nothing's gonna have purpose and meaning until i'm convinced. i don't really doubt that i love him...i'm simply trying to find a way to explain to myself WHY i love him...ideally in a way that doesn't seem selfish on the surface. but i'll spare you that conversation for now and i welcome your discussion on it for a future journal entry
the topic at hand...if we "love" and rely on christ only at the times when we desperately need something from him, one goal could be to widen our "need" - not just needing him to pull me through this particular situation...but needing him to pull me through LIFE. this way i'm intentionally making myself even more broken so that i can be needy for his aid. imagine that, selfishly creating our own brokenness so that we’ve ever-increasing reasons to desire the presence of god in our lives. i call it – working hard to be bruised.
please consult your pastor before starting any spiritual diet...better yet, consult your bible...better yet, consult god.
press on!
i usually don't like church & usually when i'm there i work with youth so i don't expect to get much out of it...in fact, the most impacting times i've spent in church have not come from the challenge of a screaming preacher, but instead from small things that signify the spaces where divinity intersects with my real life.
and then about every 6 months or so, there comes the rejuvenation - when i stop and try to devise another method on how become a more devoted christian...and this new idea's a pretty good one!! i'm certainly not a trained theologian & my 1 year as a student of the bible department of huntington college isn't worth a dime (it did however cost me several thousand dimes...several). this is simply more of my diary philosophy on how to survive life. it's nothing revolutionary, but here's my recent approach on how to cope with being on earth...
last night the large african-american man who was challenging the youth group made a small comment about how we often desperately seek god because we want to be rescued from whatever's getting us down. his quick point was that we should seek god "the rest of the way" instead of carrying along on our own after we get what we want from god. i'm as guilty as anybody...my knees only get sore after the rest of me has been sore for some time. then everything's fine and smooth until about 6 months later when i realize that i've forgotten my previous plan to love god more & i'm then forced to develop a new concept of what it means for me to love god.
i'm not even sure how to tell if i truly love god. sure, i "think" i do. one pastor friend says my time spent in missions and in guiding others proves my love for god; however, i think that simply proves god's love for others through me. either way, point is this...i'm not convinced & nothing's gonna have purpose and meaning until i'm convinced. i don't really doubt that i love him...i'm simply trying to find a way to explain to myself WHY i love him...ideally in a way that doesn't seem selfish on the surface. but i'll spare you that conversation for now and i welcome your discussion on it for a future journal entry
the topic at hand...if we "love" and rely on christ only at the times when we desperately need something from him, one goal could be to widen our "need" - not just needing him to pull me through this particular situation...but needing him to pull me through LIFE. this way i'm intentionally making myself even more broken so that i can be needy for his aid. imagine that, selfishly creating our own brokenness so that we’ve ever-increasing reasons to desire the presence of god in our lives. i call it – working hard to be bruised.
please consult your pastor before starting any spiritual diet...better yet, consult your bible...better yet, consult god.
press on!
posted by Brandon Pfeiffer at 12:25 PM
1 Comments:
So what you're saying is you know you love God, but until you come up with the words to explain why, you won't be totally convinced it's true. And there's this thing that doesn't make total sense to you, but it feels like in order to find the words that will convince yourself, you have to hurt more. Too scary, but I think I have something that speaks to that. I received this email almost 3 three years ago, just about a month after my husband died. It still makes me cry every time I read it, but not for the usual reasons that you cry when someone has died. It just fills me with "how deep the Father's love for us", that even painful things bring joy when they give us a glimpse of another of Christ's dimensions. My need for Him has been widened, and it does fill me with more love for Him. So I think you're on to something with your latest approach. My friend Betty says,
"Actually what I have been thinking about is you, Jeff and the kids. With his birthday on Friday I guess it starts the year of 'firsts without'. I myself am guilty of saying this, but I think that in a really important sense, it's wrong. If you believe in Christ and His message, and I know you do, you know that He is with you always, as He said. He also said that where He is, we also will be; and there Jeff is, with Christ: therefore with you and John and Sara, in a very real way, or as we Catholics would say, in a substantial way. Everything that he ever was and is now, perfected in Christ. And if he loved you well and truly on earth, think of how perfect is his love for you all now, in the presence of Christ. And if he worked hard for you before, think of how well he works for you now, each of you as you most need it, there in the presence of Christ. I know this is getting a little metaphysical, but that's what metaphysics is all about, the nature of God: God with us, Christ with us, Jeff with us. And I know that all this gossamer spinning is not what the heart wants. What is the substance of a man without his physical person that you crave to wrap in your arms, or talk things over with? Well, there's the rub, the cross, as it were. And a heavy cross, too, having to live with the reality of Jeff's new perfection, but hopefully gladdened by the knowledge that he is with you, more perfectly, with more love than ever before. Speaking of crosses, I guess I sounded a little flip when Heidi was talking about the reason for suffering that one night in the study. But that's it for me - we suffer as Christ suffered, we are perfected by suffering. You know, the whole time Jeff was in the hospital, I was thinking that he was what some would call 'beloved of God'. To be beloved of God is to suffer very much, to be made whole and (there's that word again) perfect by suffering. From what you've told me, that seems to have been much of his life here. But remember that it was you, Christ's love in you, that saved him from final despair. You were the face of God for him, and what he couldn't bear to suffer, you suffered for him. And so you too are beloved of God. A heavy cross, built of true love. Well, that's about all the Catholic mysticism I have in me, but maybe it gives you a new slant on your year of firsts without."
Is that good or what???
Lisa
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